We discussed kids before getting married. We agreed five was the perfect number for us. Adam wanted kids right away but I didn’t and he agreed to wait until I was ready.
I’m the second oldest of 8 kids and after my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer I spent the majority of my late teens, early adulthood caring for my youngest siblings. A decision I made for myself and for my family. A decision I do not regret at all. But it did leave me not desiring to have my own children right away.
My sister had my first nephew a few months after we married and during our second visit to see him I got baby fever. He was right around 6-7 months old and the cutest baby you ever did see. So I told Adam we could have a baby of our own. I was ready.
I came off birth control. I had one cycle and then nothing for a few months. I took a couple of tests during those months and they all came back negative.
I started researching because I had never had an irregular period. But now I never knew when my period would show up or how long it would stay.
I fell into a vicious cycle of tracking symptoms, taking tests, and alternating between praying my period would show up or for a positive pregnancy test.
When I spoke to my OB at my annual check up she wouldn’t even consider trying to figure out what was wrong until we had tried for a year. She said my body needed time to get used to be off the birth control.
So we continued trying. And continued coming up negative.
After a year my ob decided first to test my thyroid levels. I had been falling asleep every where and needing a nap during the day (which was highly unusual for me). The test revealed hypothyroidism so she sent me to a endocrinologist to regulate my thyroid levels. Around the same time we also went to fertility specialist. They diagnosed me as “unexplained infertility” and after some test for Adam they said his sperm motility was low. Then the specialist said, “You’ll likely never have kids” We were floored and brokenhearted.
I began at that moment to try to accept that we would never have kids of our own.