Dear Phoenix

Dear Phoenix,

I will never forget the first time one of the NICU nurses offered to let me hold you and your sister. I immediately started crying and I think I scared the nurse a little bit. But I was so overcome with the thought of finally holding you again. It was a release of pent up emotions that I didn’t even know I was holding in. And I was so overwhelmed by my tears that I was shaking and I was afraid so I said no. I was afraid I wouldn’t be strong enough to hold you so I said “not tonight”. I will regret saying no every day for the rest of my life.

Sweet baby. I’m so sorry for not saying yes. Yes, I want to hold my girl right away. I want her in my arms. I’m so sorry for not holding you every chance I got. I was trying to make room for your dad and so there were days I didn’t hold you.

I wasn’t rejecting you. I wasn’t trying to deny you the healing powerful skin-to-skin touch. I’m sorry for not being more selfish with your time. I had no idea how little time we had. I’m sorry for not making the most of our time together.

I am just so sorry in every way.

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